http://stayhappilymarried.com/2008/09/29/treat-your-marriage-like-your-teeth/ A marriage and relationship resource for couples seeking marriage counseling and growth. Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:40:09 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 http://stayhappilymarried.com/2008/09/29/treat-your-marriage-like-your-teeth/#comment-5002 Mking Fri, 09 Apr 2010 03:48:50 +0000 http://stayhappilymarried.com/?p=147#comment-5002 Hello, I am a counselor and want to point out that your article seems not to be accounting for the great number of married people who DID make it gracefully through the transition from the first stage or first years of love to companionship and "mature" love. I am meeting couples who say they were "happy" for 15 or more years and appear to have (sorry to use the worn expression) grown apart. More tragic still are the couples for whom it seems impossible for one or both(usually just one of them)to actually recall that crazy in love stage much less try to resurrect any of the playfulness or positive regard from that period. I hate to jump off the save the marriage band wagon but I honestly feel I am seeing couples who never loved anywhere near equally. That is to say, one of the members was "in love" and can visit in their memories a time of true passion and wonder.... The other partner never experienced this but instead found a partner with whom to build a family for instance. I think this happens more than any of us wants to believe. A life changing event such as death of a parent, turning 40 or 50 or experiencing a serious illness, can cause these passionless marrieds to question their choice and feel the need for the intensity of emotion which their spouse may have felt for them but they honestly never felt for their spouse. What a painful place for a married person to be. I just don't think enough articles acknowledge this and the poor spouse is left overeating, drinking, fantasizing about old boyfriends or girlfriends and living a life of regret and guilt for even having these feelings to begin with. Not all or even most marriage problems are the result of an inability to transition well through the stage of infatuation and passion and into a more mature love. In my opinion, many less than content spouses are actually quite good at maintaining companionship and responsible mature love. I so hate to see the guilt they carry for sensing something may have been missing all along and desperately want to experience that intense something in their lives. How do we talk a person out of an emotional need? Hello, I am a counselor and want to point out that your article seems not to be accounting for the great number of married people who DID make it gracefully through the transition from the first stage or first years of love to companionship and “mature” love. I am meeting couples who say they were “happy” for 15 or more years and appear to have (sorry to use the worn expression) grown apart. More tragic still are the couples for whom it seems impossible for one or both(usually just one of them)to actually recall that crazy in love stage much less try to resurrect any of the playfulness or positive regard from that period. I hate to jump off the save the marriage band wagon but I honestly feel I am seeing couples who never loved anywhere near equally. That is to say, one of the members was “in love” and can visit in their memories a time of true passion and wonder…. The other partner never experienced this but instead found a partner with whom to build a family for instance.
I think this happens more than any of us wants to believe. A life changing event such as death of a parent, turning 40 or 50 or experiencing a serious illness, can cause these passionless marrieds to question their choice and feel the need for the intensity of emotion which their spouse may have felt for them but they honestly never felt for their spouse. What a painful place for a married person to be.
I just don’t think enough articles acknowledge this and the poor spouse is left overeating, drinking, fantasizing about old boyfriends or girlfriends and living a life of regret and guilt for even having these feelings to begin with. Not all or even most marriage problems are the result of an inability to transition well through the stage of infatuation and passion and into a more mature love. In my opinion, many less than content spouses are actually quite good at maintaining companionship and responsible mature love. I so hate to see the guilt they carry for sensing something may have been missing all along and desperately want to experience that intense something in their lives. How do we talk a person out of an emotional need?

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