Stay Happily Married » articles

Reluctance To Get Help: Four Myths Couples Believe

admin — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 16:50:07 +0000

By Susan Orenstein, Ph.D.

In our daily lives, there are lots of routine ways we check to make sure things are on track. Consider, for example, annual medical check-up, kids’ report cards, car tune-ups, monthly bank statements, or the dreaded work evaluation. All are seen as a way to proactively detect and address problems to keep things on track. So, why are many people hesitant to seek professional feedback and help for their marriage?

Couples counseling can seem like a daunting step to take. Here are several misconceptions that explain many couples’ reluctance to seek couples counseling…

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You can find out more about Susan Orenstein, including her upcoming seminars and other articles by visiting her website, OrensteinSolutions.com

Treat Your Marriage Like Your Teeth!

admin — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:12:12 +0000

By Betty Phillips

Now what kind of whacked-out title is this? Is Phillips off her rocker? Well, just think about it. We’re told to pay daily attention to our dental health, brush and floss each night and seek professional assessment with dental checkups every six months. When a dental problem is discovered we invest immediately in corrective work, whether or not the charges are covered by insurance. Why? Our teeth are a long-term investment and we know we will be much better off if we take good care of this important resource. Sure, we can purchase replacement (“false”) teeth but we worry that they won’t care for us as well as our original permanent teeth. Get the picture now? Phillips isn’t crazy, just likes analogies to get your attention and make her point. Marriage is an important resource for our long-term mental and physical health — but how do we take care of our marriage partnership? Not nearly as well as we take care of our teeth. Sometimes I feel like a voice calling out in the wilderness — let’s pay attention to the health of our marriages! And let’s pay attention before they deteriorate and decay! Most couples wait six years from the time marital problems begin until they seek marriage counseling. No wonder It’s so difficult to restore health and vitality to the marriage. Your dentist would be appalled if you came in for treatment after six years of dental neglect — assuming you have any teeth left to repair! When your teeth hurt, you don’t care whether insurance will cover the treatment, you make the appointment and pay up. When your heart and soul hurt from marital problems, however, the refrain is often: “we can’t afford marriage counseling.” As a point of information, most insurance programs will cover “family treatment” for you and your spouse although they may tell you they don’t cover “marriage counseling.” One or more of you will need to be distressed enough to qualify for the family treatment. My basic point is that you and your spouse should sign up for marriage counseling whether or not it is covered by insurance. Your marriage should be at least as important as your teeth.

There is another important similarity with dental health. We grow our first temporary set of teeth which will need to be replaced as we grow up. Let’s compare this to the first stage in partner relationships, the romantic phase, being madly “in love”, the beginning stage which like baby teeth is destined to fall apart and must be replaced by a second stage of mature and hopefully long-lasting love. We’re told about the transition from baby to permanent teeth. Why aren’t we taught about the demise of romantic love and the need to care for the next partnership stage? Research shows that the stage of romantic love will last up to two years but inevitably will fade. The serious work of sustaining the longer-term, hopefully permanent relationship begins when this romantic phase ends. Instead of understanding this, many people become distressed, blame their marriage or partner, and start looking around for another romantic love. But let’s take another look at the statistics. 40 to 50% of first marriages, 60 to 70% of second marriages and 75% or more of third marriages end in divorce. The very romantic love of affairs rarely ever graduates to marriage. When affair partners marry, many of these marriages end up in divorce court. There are many reasons to stay with our original partner and work on a long-term relationship.

When our baby teeth disappear we can’t get them back. The euphoric peaks, wonderful happiness, the obsessive need for the lover’s company, the passionate moments of romantic love, similarly are doomed. When reality strikes, too many of us feel tricked and trapped into a less than happy marriage. We’re left with an acquired taste for passionate love facing a grumpy spouse, dirty dishes, bills to pay, surprised by the loss of the dream but feeling the same deep need for love and understanding and connection. What next? You begin noticing all those annoying, frustrating or just plain awful characteristics of your spouse. Even worse, you wonder what happened to all those special things you love: tender moments, compliments, little gifts, words of endearment, thoughtful actions. No It’s not just your marriage; it happens to everyone. That information will not make you happy but it may help you understand the next step to marital happiness: love work. Yes the love that was so spontaneous and exciting now has to be prioritized and pursued. Yes you can live “happily ever after” but the reality is not as easy as the dream.

A major mistake is to blame your spouse for this loss of romantic love. You have equal responsibility in a relationship. Furthermore you are the only person who can guarantee that you will change. If both of you decide to change — great! Sometimes one spouse will refuse to participate in marriage counseling with the classic words, “you can go to counseling; you are the problem.” Just smile because you know better. You can make the initial investment but your spouse will soon become involved when your efforts begin to work.

So what can you do, or both of you do, to keep your love alive? Everyone wants to love and be loved. No one wants to nag and fight or withdraw in stony silence. Real mature love cannot emerge until the romantic illusion fades and is replaced by a partnership of mutual self-interest.

In keeping with my emphasis on humor, here is one of the many marriage jokes: “A word of wisdom for the women who is looking for Mr. Right. Be sure that his first name is not Always!”

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Dr. Phillips holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Harvard University and is certified by the National Register of Psychologists. She specializes in relationship and marriage counseling, including helping couples deal with the challenge of recovering from infidelity. Her office is located at 466 Eagle Point Rd. Pittsboro, NC 27312. You can find out more about Dr. Phillips practice, as well as other articles she has written on her website, or by contacting her at (919) 967.1860

Marriage Counseling: For Us?

admin — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 17:48:50 +0000

By Betty Phillips

Why do people think twice about calling a marriage counselor when they don’t hesitate to call other specialists for professional services? Tax advisers, interior designers, home inspectors, doctors, dentists, all stand ready to provide advice and consultation services when requested. There’s no need for any admission of failure when you call a tax adviser; you just shop for the best adviser for your issues. Just as there is no shame in calling a tax adviser, there should be no embarrassment about calling a marriage counselor. In fact you should feel proud to call a therapist to provide professional services for your most valued assets, your marriage and family. You can call for marriage counseling assistance as prevention, intervention or crisis management.

We care for our cars by checking oil levels, inflating tires and scheduling tune-ups to keep the automobile running smoothly and prevent future problems. Similarly, a marriage counselor can provide preventive maintenance services. Prenuptial counseling is frequently discussed but seldom utilized as the couple’s romantic bliss obscures all but the most serious impending problems. Most couples don’t even consider marriage counseling as the relationship begins to settle down into daily life issues and as stresses and strains start to erode the “live happily ever after” myth. In this article I’m asking you to consider a round of marriage counseling before typical marriage concerns (such as finances, parenting, division-of-labor, in-laws, or sexual compatibility problems) take over. After an initial consultation, the couple and therapist step back for an informal “evaluation” of the marital issues and begin a plan of sessions sometimes with “homework” to practice new skills. Far from being just a clinical analysis of conflict management issues, the prevention plan will often focus on new ways for the couple to have fun together such as date nights to preserve or improve love and intimacy.

When emerging problems harden into ongoing frustrations and then into conflicts, and when problems keep recurring without resolution, the intervention of marriage counseling will often put the marriage back into balance. Some issues can be resolved during the sessions, while the couple can learn to live with other problems. Marriage counseling services provide a retreat from everyday stress and a place to focus on the marriage with an experienced adviser to mediate disputes and teach new skills. While conflict resolution skills are important at this stage, the couple will also learn about the need to prioritize positive interactions to build up a “love bank” to protect the marriage from the wounds of hurt and anger. Far from feeling guilty that they “need” marriage counseling, husband and wife should be proud of their accomplishments in taking steps to face the tough issues and improve the quality of their relationship and their lives.

Crisis intervention marriage counseling is needed when thoughts of escape from the marriage surface in the form of conflict behaviors such as withdrawal and stonewalling, violent arguments, extramarital affairs, thoughts or talk about separation and divorce. Such problems often follow a phase of “pretend everything is all right.” Rather than deny or bury the pain, marriage counseling will help the couple focus on resolving the problems and can often turn the crisis into an improved marriage. Marriages can be saved even when extramarital affairs are discovered, although the process is slow and painful. If your marriage is in crisis, don’t wait! It can be too late.

What if your spouse won’t participate in marriage counseling? Then you will need to take action yourself. Even when both husband and wife agree to the marriage counseling, you can only change yourself, not your spouse. Marriage counselors are also individual therapists and often tackle marriage problems with the willing spouse.

Even if your marriage is headed toward separation or divorce, most marriage counselors are also experienced in handling these issues. Friendly support and advice can feel like life savers at this time of crisis. It can be a mistake for husband or wife to try to hang on to the marriage because of fear of exiting into a lonely, loveless existence. Separation and divorce can be a chance to build a new and improved life in the face of irreconcilable differences.

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How to Argue and Stay Married!

admin — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 14:25:42 +0000

By Betty Phillips

After the honeymoon, when you realize that 50% of all marriages actually do end in divorce, marriage partners begin to realize the enormity of the tasks involved in staying happily married. Positive conflict management becomes a high priority in keeping marriages together. All couples argue, even in successful marriages, but happily married partners learn how to argue, stay best friends, and stay in love.

The overriding principle in managing arguments and conflicts is to make sure that rational thinking prevails and emotions do not run amuck. Visualize a continuum of emotions running from 0 to 10, with 10 being the highest level of anger and dissent ; you should try to keep your arguments/discussions at level 3 where you are engaged in the issues but not so overwhelmed by feelings that rational thinking is impossible. Many couples have learned to agree to schedule a “time out” when emotions run high, with the withdrawing partner agreeing to schedule “time in” to resolve the problem when both spouses calm down.

The following discussion is organized around the concept of ” SOLVE” to emphasize the fact that marital problems can be resolved in an atmosphere of love and respect.

“S” stands for the fact that you should try to schedule discussions of problems when both spouses are calm and focused and willing to discuss the issue. You all probably have experienced the opposite, running out of the door on a tight schedule, when your spouse brings up hot issues which cannot be resolved at the time, and both leave for daily activities feeling upset and angry. Too many of these unsuccessful encounters leave the marriage partners feeling frustrated with a growing number of underlying resentments.

“O” asks the question, what outcome do you really want for yourself and your partner? Pick one issue to discuss at a time, deciding the importance of the issue and whether your proposed solution is reasonable. Too often arguments become confused with a lot of side issues and unresolved problems thrown in, making it impossible to solve anything and again increasing resentments. Also realize that it makes no sense to argue about the past which cannot be changed. So stay focused on the present and future and decide what outcomes would be reasonable for you and your spouse.

“L” stands for listen to your partner until you really understand his or her point of view. What usually happens during an argument is that you never really listen to your partner, instead rehearsing your reply while you wait for your spouse to stop talking. So no one really feels heard and discussions escalate to arguments. If you don’t understand your partner’s point of view, ask questions until you do. Make sure that you validate your spouse’s point of view by showing your understanding of his or her position, even if you then proceed to state a different position on the issue.

“V” stands for verbalize your thoughts, feelings, needs and possible solutions. To keep a discussion positive, use “I” or “we” messages, not “you” messages. An example will illustrate the difference. Let’s say your spouse leaves towels, socks etc. on the floor. ” You are a slob” is an invitation to a fight; ” I get upset when stuff is left on the floor” is less accusatory; ” We have a problem keeping our house neat” may lead to a productive discussion. Try to discuss or “brainstorm” many possible solutions to resolve the problem; a solution may emerge as various possibilities are discussed in a calm manner.

“E” calls your attention to the need to evaluate your solutions after you try them out. Good ideas often go by the wayside when they are not discussed. Too often one partner may forget, the other may become resentful that the agreement was not followed, and then both stop implementing the solution. Instead, pick a time to sit down and review marriage issues to make sure that agreements are honored.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Not so. Actually It’s one of the hardest things that we can do, making sure our rational minds control our arguments, not our hot emotions. Cut out this article and put it on your refrigerator door or other prominent place, so you can refer to it when needed. You can also consult a marriage counselor to help you learn this process and by so doing protect and preserve your marriage. Marriage counseling can help prevent problems as well as save marriages.

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The Four A’s of an A+ Marriage

mstindia — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 18:52:00 +0000

By Carmella Broome, Ed.S., LPC/I, LMFT/I

There is a lot of talk among marriage counselors about the 4 A’s that can spell doom for marriages. These “big four” are abuse, addictions, adultery, and abandonment.

There is another set of four A’s, though. This second set is much more positive and recommended for every marriage. They are appreciation, apology, attention, and affection.

Appreciation. When couples come to see me for their first session, they often want to know what they can immediately start doing to move their marriage towards a more positive place. This is also true for individuals who come in hoping their spouse will eventually join them for couples counseling. My first suggestion is “appreciate your partner more.” I say this because, a lot of times, spouses can become very focused on the negative things their partner does, or get hung up on the things their spouse doesn’t do, and loose sight of what the other person is doing right.

Appreciation means saying, “Thank you,” when your spouse does something nice or thoughtful. It also means stating your gratitude when your spouse does something you think they should have been doing for months or that you think is just common courtesy. Appreciation is for when your husband brings you flowers and for when he puts his socks in the hamper. It is for when your wife lets you pick the radio station in the car or offers to drive so you can nap or enjoy the scenery, and when she hurries in the shower so you’ll have some hot water. It is for when the dishes get put away or the trash gets taken out or the kids are given a bath or when you are surprised by a romantic dinner. Appreciation is for big things but is just as much for the little every day things.

Appreciation is most effective when it is specific. That is, when it is expressed in reference to specific behaviors you observed and liked. “I really liked the way you took time to look at Katie’s drawings, even though you were in a hurry to get out the door on time. I really appreciate it when you give our kids attention like that.” Or, “I really appreciate the way you didn’t snap back at me last night when I was cranky. Thank you for that. It means a lot to me.”

You can give appreciations in person, over the phone, or by text or email or note. Just remember to notice, and comment on, what your spouse does “right” rather than just focusing on, or complaining about, the things he or she does “wrong.”

Apologies. This seems simple. When you know you did something wrong or said something hurtful, you go to the person you wronged or offended and say, “I’m sorry.” For many people, this is much easier said than done, though. We want to explain or defend ourselves, rationalize our actions or words, make excuses, blame the other person, or anything else. It is very humbling to say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me.”

Apologies have to be sincere. You can’t say you’re sorry for shouting something hurtful when you’re angry and then turn around and do the same thing next time you’re angry. If you keep apologizing for a certain behavior (swearing, drinking too much, not putting the lid back on the toothpaste), but continue engaging in that behavior over and over, the apology means nothing. It is just a way for you to try and clear your conscience but it holds no weight in your partner’s heart or mind. They know you are just saying words of regret out of a sense of obligation or habit.

Apologies are effective when your partner feels that you really know you made a mistake and that you really will do your best not to let something similar happen again. If necessary, it means letting them know you have a plan to take action to minimize the chances of repeating the same behavior. This may include taking a time out when angry, getting up five minutes earlier so you can pick up a little after yourself before leaving for work, or even going to counseling or seeking other outside help if you have a problem you can’t seem to manage on your own.

Apologies don’t include the word “but,” or anything similar. If you want to help your spouse understand what lead to whatever you said or did, that can come later. Otherwise, whether you mean it to or not, it will seem like you are trying to explain or rationalize your words or actions. Say you are sorry, name the behavior you are apologizing for, and humbly state that you know you were wrong and hope the other person will forgive you. It may also be helpful to state that you know your words or actions were hurtful or upsetting so your partner knows you are trying to be in tune with how he/she is feeling.

Attention. Paying attention means being aware and observant in your marriage. It means really “showing up” not just phoning in your participation or physically being present while being mentally somewhere else.

Paying attention or giving attention means your spouse gets pieces of your time and energy throughout the day. This is about noticing what your spouse is wearing, being interested in his/her day, and knowing the things that are important to him/her. Paying attention means remembering to ask about that big work project or stressful situation with colleagues. It means calling just to say “Hi, I was thinking about you,” or saying, “You look nice in that sweater.” Paying attention also means looking at your spouse when he/she is talking to you and being aware enough to say, “You look angry/worried/upset. What’s up?” It means remembering anniversaries and birthdays and other dates that are important to your spouse. It means setting aside time to focus on your spouse and your relationship. Time should be set aside each week to really talk, go to dinner, or engage in an activity that will allow you to focus on your spouse and nurturing the friendship and romance. This is very important for every couple. But paying attention to your spouse can’t just happen during these “designated” times. It also must be done in small ways every day.

Affection. Affection means touch. This does not just mean sex. It does not just mean “making a move” on your spouse or even being flirty, though touch is very important for romance and sexual intimacy.

It means small gestures of physical contact throughout the day. It means brushing your spouse’s arm when you walk by, a light touch on the back or shoulder, reaching over to take your spouse’s hand while riding in the car, or a playful poke or swat. It means offering hug when your spouse gets home from a long day at work, rubbing his/her feet, or snuggling on the couch while watching TV.

It is important that touch be given at other times besides in the bedroom or when trying to initiate sex. Touch is a way of connecting with your partner and does not have to have an ulterior motive. It is friendly and supportive and helps your partner feel close to you.

Affection can also include aiming a smile your partner’s way, calling them by a special pet name, or giving them a wink or a nod.

Add more of these 4 A’s to your marriage and you’ll be reducing, and even preventing, a lot of common marital difficulties. The climate of your relationship will be more positive and you’ll be working smarter, rather than working harder, at strengthening the bond between you and your spouse. The four A’s make the good times more satisfying and make the rough times harder to get through.

www.solutionsforlife.org

Relationship Check-Up

mstindia — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 22:01:05 +0000

By: Leslie Doares

1. What made you fall in love with your partner, and what do you love most about him/her now?

2. When did you feel the most loved by your partner, and what specific things did he/she do to make you feel loved?

3. What needs to happen to make your partner a better friend?

4. What have you learned about being married that surprises you?

5. What do you imagine your relationship will look like 10 years from now?

6. What is the best thing that has happened to you and your partner in the past year?

7. What is your relationship’s strongest point, and what areas can be enriched?

8. Are you able to talk openly about your sexual needs with your partner?

9. Is this the relationship you expected, hoped or dreamed it would be?

10. When is the right time to get professional help with a relationship?

11. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the ideal, how would each of you rate your ability to resolve conflicts?

12. Do you and your partner share enough fun times, and what are some fun things you could do?

13. Do you spend at least 20 minutes a day talking about things other than children, finances, or work?

14. What are the 5 most romantic things your partner has ever done for you, or you wish he/she would do?

Smarter Marriage Moves

mstindia — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 20:27:36 +0000

By George Marut

Of all the promises you’ll make on your wedding day, the “for richer or for poorer” bit is likely to cause the most problems. According to a survey by the Association of Bridal Consultants, more than 67% of newlyweds believe the most serious conflict in their first year of marriage is over money. (Problems with in-laws rank a distant second.) Financial experts are full of anecdotes about young couples and financial discord. It’s often the details that drive people crazy. Small problems often grow into larger ones, because some people find it easier to talk about anything other than money. That, of course, is the worst-case scenario. But merging your finances does require a lot of work initially. And it takes a lot of maintenance to keep everything up to date and both spouses informed. But taking a few easy steps will save you a lot of headaches – and arguing – in the long run.

1. Cash Flow
Managing cash flow is an important lesson taught at all top business schools but one often learned the hard way when it comes to managing family finances. “Getting in over your head” is an expression that often times is used to describe poor case management. Everything you purchase from you home, car(s), and various items on credit carry a corresponding debt on your family’s financial balance sheet. The importance of proper cash flow will affect how well you can complete the next steps.2. Meet the Marriage Penalty
In testimony before the House Ways and Means Committee on February 4, 1998, June O’Neill, then Director of the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) said, “the incompatibility of progressive rates, equal treatment of married couples, and marriage neutrality results in a continuing tension within the tax code.”

Bush’s latest tax cut provided some much needed marriage-penalty relief. Now the 15% tax bracket is exactly twice as wide as the 15% tax bracket for singles. And the standard deduction is now double what it is for singles as well.

But assuming you and your new spouse earn more than $56,801 (in 2003) and you plan to file joint returns, you will still experience some tax punishment for tying the knot. So prepare to pay more come April 15.

One thing you shouldn’t do is run to your human-resources office to change your W-4. At least not if you and your spouse are both working. Once you indicate that you’re married, the rules assume that one spouse doesn’t work. As a result, your withholding will actually decline. And that’s just the opposite of what you want. If you’re both working and you don’t own a home, it should be ‘single, one’ all the way according to most CPAs.

3. Pay Down the Debt
It’s a common scenario: One person comes into a marriage with a lot of savings, another enters the relationship with credit card debt up to the ears. “Opposites attract. That’s what makes it exciting,” says Ruth L. Hayden, a financial educator and author of Richer for Poorer: The Money Book for Couples. But “when it comes to money, we wish we were married to a clone.” Even though the thrifty spouse is not liable for debt incurred before the marriage, the free spender’s history is sure to affect a couple’s chances of obtaining credit in the future. And if you’re in the market for a new home, you’ll probably be applying jointly. That should be motivation for you to pay down the debt together.

4. Examine Your Balance Sheet
Before you can make any decisions about budgeting, investing or saving for a house, you have to know how much you own and how much you owe. We tell our clients to put together a combined balance sheet, on which they list assets and debts, and update the list semiannually.

You should also check your overall portfolio and rebalance if necessary. You may discover that together, you’re overweighted in one particular stock or sector. You’ll also want to look ahead to retirement and figure out a way to maximize contributions and invest as aggressively or conservatively as you should given your age and goals.

5. Protect Your Incomes
What you do need is insurance, both life and disability, especially if you’re relying on both of your incomes. You might get insurance through your benefits plan at work that will cover 60% to 70% of your income, but It’s probably a good idea to supplement that. Brian Biederman, CFP from Raleigh advises clients about the taxability of Disability Insurance. A key point of Disability Insurance that most people miss is the tax implications. Regardless of who pays the premiums, (you or your employer) you get at most 70% of pre-disability income. If you (the employee) pay the premium the benefits are Tax-Free. So, the real question is whether you want 70% of your income, taxable or tax-free. It can be expensive, but It’s worth your attention. If your spouse can’t work, passes unexpectedly, can’t leave the house even and needs home health care and so on, you have to pay for that.

6. Paperwork, Paperwork, Paperwork
You thought planning the wedding took a lot of organizational skills? Wait until you try to track down everything that has your name on it – or that you named a beneficiary for – a mortgage, 401(k)s, IRAs, disability insurance and life insurance. If you have a will already, you’ll want to change it, if not you need to have one drawn up. These decisions are especially important for second marriages in which there are children involved.

7. Talk Money
Above all, It’s important to communicate regularly and openly about money. If that means setting aside a time each week or each month for a state-of-the-finances chat, then do it. (We suggest rewarding yourself with a dinner out or a movie after each financial-planning session.) But It’s essential to keep each other informed, especially if one person tends to deal with all the money maintenance, while the other handles different tasks.

Who knew you could get all this from a mortgage planner? If you would like more information please visit http://www.smartmortgagemoves.com/ today!

What Your Mother Never Told You

mstindia — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 20:20:43 +0000

By Lisa and Bill Horst
(Owners of William Ashley Agency, a Raleigh traditional matchmaking service )

It seems that something becomes amiss somewhere between Cutting the Cake festivities and eating that last piece on your one-year anniversary. No one told you marriage was hard. Really hard. And that’s just the first year (pre-kids, multiple jobs, and a house purchase). Indeed, it seemed that finding your lifelong mate was the hard part; you’re home free after that! No more first dates, bad dates, or lonely nights with a bowl of ice cream.

The current popularity of chick flicks, reality TV dating shows, books, and courses on how to get married all attest to how hard this part, the part you got right, the part you hold right now, is. But that’s just the beginning. Oh, they tell you that. But no one really explains it. They say, “This is only the beginning,” in a way that seems like, “This is only the beginning of daily bliss until eternity.” Really, the day you get married is only the beginning of figuring how to keep two different people — no matter how well-suited — living and growing together for the next 50 years.

You pick up tips over the years from friends and family: Never go to bed angry. Hold hands when you fight to remind yourselves you’re always on the same side. Compromise. But these are tools (albeit good ones). They don’t get at some very basic truths: You Will Not Always Like — Let Alone Feel Loving Toward — Your Spouse. We all know couples who say they were born to be together. But more often than not, successful relationships are created by two willing and able individuals who have enough commonalities and chemistry to try to make a go of it. That means your spouse does not have 100 percent of the qualities on your mental checklist.

You’re married, so you’ve accepted this. But recognizing this means by default you do not like everything about him/her. And some days, that will mean that those less-than-endearing qualities will grate on your every last nerve more prominently than others. Some days, you will glance over at your spouse and think, “What am I doing with this person?” That’s okay. Because it’s not realistic to think that two wholly separate people — regardless of how well-matched they are — are going to be on the same page every day for the rest of their lives together. Hormones get out of whack. There are bad days at work. Daily life becomes cumbersome. Just be aware that the positive days outweigh the negative.

Marriage Is Not 50-50; It’s 110-0. Marriage is definitely a give-and-take. But compromise doesn’t necessarily mean that each person gives up something for the good of the whole. If you compromise in a 50-50 manner, neither spouse fully gets what he/she wants. No one is fully satisfied. Moreover, some days you are able to give more than you need to receive. Some days, you need to take. How you two complement each other indicates how the scales of giving and receiving will work. But it’s inevitable that there will be certain times when one spouse is doing a lot more giving than receiving. Just know that this give-and-take will fluctuate between the two of you: you might feel exhausted now, but you’ll get the support you need when you ask for it, too. Marriage Is Not An End Unto Itself or Yourself.

Particularly in the early years, it’s easy to become consumed by your passion and romance to the exclusion of much else. You stop doing things with girlfriends. You’d rather stay home and watch a movie than pick up a squash game with your buddies. You even start to look alike. But no one wants Death by Relationship. This suffocates both the relationship and your individual growth. Ensure you maintain all the reasons you were attracted to each other in the first place. Don’t neglect friends or family. Outside interests and relationships only help stimulate yours. As you mature together, find new common interests and explore individuals ones. For example, you both might want to take some classes at the local university, but it doesn’t have to be the same ones. Creating a strong sense of self, recognizing and building on what makes you, you, goes a long way toward maintaining a positive relationship.

Falling in Love, Staying in Love

mstindia — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 21:52:01 +0000

By: Lesli Doares

This time of year finds us between two “romantic” holidays, New Year’s Eve, when we want to be with that special someone at the magical stroke of midnight, and Valentine’s Day, when we celebrate all that being in love means. It is almost unthinkable that we should spend either of these days alone when the rest of the world seems to be running around in pairs. It is also the time of year when we examine our lives and resolve to make changes, one of which may be to find or rekindle the excitement and passion of new love.

Humans are a contrary species. We want both the safety, security and comfort of a committed relationship as well as the breathless, swept off one’s feet exhilaration of being newly in love. As in most things, we have come to expect that we cannot have it all. How often have we heard, or been told, that someone loves somebody but is no longer “in love” with them? How many of us really understand what that means? Do we believe there is a difference or is it just another way to leave a relationship? Is it possible to fall in love stay in love? Yes, but first you must understand the process.
When we fall in love the world looks and feels different. The sun shines brighter, colors are more vivid, food tastes better, everything is more intense. We can stay up all night and still have energy to burn. Our every waking moment is focused on that special someone and their very presence can make the most mundane chore seem like an amusement park ride. We don’t give a second thought to things that just a short time ago consumed us. Our lives feel out of control but we are enthralled by the wild ride and have no intention of getting off. It is like we have found the perfect drug and in a way we have.

Falling in love is like being high on drugs, but these drugs are naturally produced by the body. The brain releases two neurotransmitters, dopamine and norepinephrine, when you become attracted to someone and start to fall in love. These neurotransmitters are responsible for your bright outlook, your increased energy and your sharpened sense of perception. Another neurotransmitter, phenylethylamine (PEA), is released when you are with your love giving you a sense of comfort and security. When you are separated levels of PEA drop causing your mood to crash and you experience symptoms of withdrawal, commonly called love sickness.

This stage of love also has a strong psychological component. You see your new love as made for you and completely without flaws. This person knows and meets all your needs without your needing to ask, or even mention. He/she is the solution to all of your emotional problems and will heal all of your childhood wounds. His/her love will make you whole and happy. In the immortal words in Jerry McGuire, your new love will “complete you.”.

Unfortunately, this top-of-the-world euphoria will not last. Usually within six months reality sets in and by the time eighteen to thirty-six months go by you are no longer “in love”. Our bodies are not meant to function in that heightened state for any longer than that. The initial surge of attraction and euphoria is an evolutionary strategy designed to ensure survival of the species. The time allotted to being in love is long enough to act on the attraction, begin the process of procreation and develop a more committed relationship. This new relationship needs to be a deeper and more intimate one that is consciously created if it is to last..

Creating a lasting and fulfilling relationship with one person requires commitment, the ability to compromise and a certain level of tolerance for emotional anxiety. We cling to the notion of “being in love” because in that state we feel alive and connected to those around us. We feel that we will die if we are not deeply connected to someone else. However, when we look to others to “complete us” we lose our ability to stand on our own two feet. We cannot survive as a separate entity if we only feel whole in the presence of another. The ability to function as an independent entity is what allows us to be truly and deeply connected to another. We are not a couple out of fear of being alone but because we make a conscious choice to be together.

A successful, long term relationship requires work and effort. It is based on giving up the fantasy of finding our “one true soul mate” and being secure enough to let our partner know how important he/she is in our lives. It requires us to love and honor our partner and put their needs and desires on a par with or above our own. Unfortunately most people do not have the tools that will enable them to make a success of a relationship once the bloom is off the rose of love. Our natural tendency is to retreat into ourselves when we are faced with an uncomfortable or unfamiliar situation. It is at this point that we must focus outward if we are to have a successful and fulfilling intimate relationship..

The first step is to be able to see the world through your partner’s eyes. The longer you are with someone the more your acts of love need to reflect their wants and desires instead of your own. If your partner’s idea of fun is to raft down swirling rapids, surprising him with a slow cruise around the Caribbean may not elicit the desired response. If your partner is overworked and stressed out doing a load of laundry or cleaning up the kitchen may be appreciated more than candy and flowers.
Another element necessary to a lifelong relationship is excitement. Excitement releases PEA into your system, gets your heart racing and brings back that intense initial feeling to your relationship. This recharges the system and deepens the emotional bonds. Making time to step outside the usual routine and focusing on being a couple on a regular basis can recharge your relationship.

Relationships take daily effort. It is easy to fall into a routine and take your relationship for granted. It is necessary to nurture the relationship as if it were a separate personality. It has needs that need to be met if it is to thrive and endure. It needs your time and attention as much as any other aspect of your life. You need to be mindful of your relationship and pay attention to its patterns. A relationship requires mutual respect between you and your partner. We often treat complete strangers better than those close to us. Be aware of how you treat each other.

Make time for playfulness and surprise. These qualities will bring back memories of your initial love for each other. Don’t be afraid to show your sensitive, caring side. Writing a love letter to your partner is a way to let your partner know how much you love him/her. Being vulnerable is scary but the payoff may be more consideration and passion from your partner. Create occasions for celebration that have deep meaning for you and your partner. Use what you know about each other’s history to surprise and delight each other. This connecting to a time when you did not know each other can create amazingly deep bonds.

As the celebratory day of love approaches revel in the joy of new found love if you have it. Understand that the constant high it brings is fleeting. If you understand the progression of love you will be able to incorporate this intensity into a more profound and intimate love that really can complete you.

Fair Fight Rules

mstindia — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 21:39:32 +0000

By:Amy McMillan

“Healthy conflict” may sound like an oxymoron to some – a contradiction of terms. After all, if we are in conflict, we’re not healthy, right? Well, most relationship counselors will specifically disagree. In fact, to have healthy relationships, people must conflict sometimes. Conflict is inevitable, no one agrees with everyone all the time. The question is how to deal with it.

We know that if we have disagreement without acknowledgment, then we create a whole new host of problems. These can be labeled “conflict avoidant”, or “passive aggressive”, or “living quietly & miserably ever after”!! So, we have conflict. That’s life. That’s typical. That’s healthy! Now that we have determined that one must have conflict to be healthy, what constitutes healthy conflict?

Anger is a normal emotion. Anger is not right or wrong. It’s what we do with the anger that can be healthy or unhealthy. Healthy conflict is characterized by an ability to sort out differences in a way that is some what tolerated by those involved. I say some what, because at first the conflict may not be easily or comfortably tolerated, but with a little practice, tolerance levels become more balanced.

It is no secret that we all have different tolerance levels. People who have never been exposed to arguments or conflict may say, “I don’t know how to speak my mind to my spouse, my parents never disagreed in front of me.” People who grew up with fighting parents may have extreme tolerance because that is what they are accustomed to; or they may have no tolerance at all, because they are striving to “not live that way anymore”. Confusing, huh?

As a result of this confusion, and working with many couples of different tolerance levels, upbringings, cultural believes, and more – I have constructed the fair fight rules. These are designed as a guideline to help couples determine how to conflict as fairly, and as comfortably as possible with one another, while still speaking up and voicing their conflicting points of view. Couples can tailor the list with personal rules – agreeing never to bring up a specific topic in an argument for example, or agreeing to take a “time-out” when the discussion is getting too heated. Remember, the purpose is to resolve the conflict, not to simply vent the anger.

No threats during argument.
No blanket judgments or labeling generalizations.
Stay on the topic at hand.
No interrupting.
Stay in present tense.
Don’t argue in the dark.
Don’t walk away or leave the house without saying to your partner, “I’ll be back”.
No finger pointing.
Take responsibility for your thoughts. Use “I” language.
Write down the topic at the beginning to insure staying on topic and clarify the issue.
Try to avoid over-dramatization.
Allow time to collect your thoughts. Immediate response is not necessary.
Approach the argument with a problem solving attitude, rather than blame.
Try to avoid statements so critical that the other person has no course but to retaliate.
Don’t save up feelings and dump them all at once, try to air feelings often.
Try not to yell.
Don’t use abusive language or labels.
No gossip.
Speak for yourself.
Neither person is right, there are only differences. Both win when the conflict is resolved.
Admit you’re angry.
Go forth as equals. Don’t use power plays. Gauge the intensity of your anger to the ego strengths of the other person and be responsible with the things your mate has entrusted to you in your relationship. YOU ARE ON THE SAME TEAM!

If you cannot resolve the conflict, see a professional who can help each of you hear and understand one another. A relative, neighbor, or friend who usually doesn’t have the training, cannot remain as objective as a counselor, minister, psychologist, or psychiatrist.

Cary Behavioral Health Care
Amy McMillan, MEd, LPC
8000 Regency Pkwy, Ste 260
Cary, NC 27511
919-467-7130
“A comprehensive Approach to Mental Health”

Affair Repair

mstindia — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 15:26:44 +0000

By: Cynthia Frazier

While many incidents of infidelity go unreported, our best estimate is that 37 percent of married men and 20 percent of married women have been unfaithful at least once during their lifetimes (Laumann, et. al., 1994). Simply put, one in every 2.7 marriages in the U.S. experiences the traumatizing effects of an affair (Spring & Spring, 1996). So how, then, do men and women stay happily married given these odds? Statistics indicate that couples who attempt to reconcile after an affair have a 70 percent chance of staying together, while there is only a 30 percent likelihood of staying with the paramour from the affair (Brown, 1999). Given these odds, it may be more plausible to reconcile after an affair-to stay married, but is it possible to stay happily married?
The chances of repairing a relationship after an affair are increased whenever:

Both the betrayed and the betrayer have a genuine interest, perhaps not at the same level, in restoring the trust which has been breached;
The lover has been given up completely;
Both are willing to accept an appropriate share of responsibility for one’s contribution to the affair;
Both are willing to try new behaviors which build trust;
Both are willing to try new behaviors which build intimacy;
Both are willing to honestly recommit, characterized by a sense of connectedness despite differences, dissatisfaction, and ambivalence;
Both are willing to design a better future by sharing the responsibility for feeling satisfied and loved on a daily basis

Falling in love is effortless. Ending a marriage after an affair has been revealed is understandable. However, learning to love maturely requires time and effort. Most people need to be taught that love naturally moves through phases of romantic love, disillusionment, toward mature love. Remember the exhilaration of first meeting, courting, and falling in love? The novelty, the excitement, the increased vitality, and the stimulation of sexual desire are unlike any other human experience. Unfortunately, this phase of romantic love is fueled by body chemicals, which may also produce idealization of the new love interest (e.g., “I’ve never felt like this before!), and devaluation of your current love (“Everything (s)he does gets on my nerves”). Is there any wonder, then, why we are all at risk for infidelity? As the hormones produced by romance dissipate with time, the vicissitudes of our ordinary lives further weaken the intensity of new love. Studies have shown that marital discord generally surfaces during the first seven years, after the first child arrives, and/or when the first child turns 14 years of age (Shellenbarger, 2004). Other studies suggest that periods of disenchantment occur every four years (Dyn and Glenn, 1993). When disillusioned, dissatisfaction grows, criticism increases, and level of sexual excitement declines. While all may appear “perfect” during the romantic phase, one resumes, in time, one’s idiosyncratic patterns, which may be less than ideal. Complaints mount, such as “You’ve changed. You aren’t the person I married. I don’t like who you have become or how you are acting.” It is during these states of disenchantment that infidelity is more likely to occur. In human relationships, we all tend to grow dissatisfied and to distance, but affection does return and closeness is strengthened. In every sustained relationship, individual needs and differences will eventually conflict and will produce annoyance, disappointment, frustration, etc. Betrayal, however, impedes the development of mature love. Mature love is characterized by compromise, reciprocity, tolerance of the other’s idiosyncrasies, acceptance of the other’s limitations, and the ability to stay connected even during difficult times. Ultimately, one derives the security, permanence, and closeness that love is hoped to be. Passion will be replaced with compassion. Understanding will be augmented with acceptance. Tolerance will be reinforced with patience and respect for differences. Commitment will be redefined by the determination to communicate and compromise rather than to leave. Couples begin to find that they can be their natural selves within the relationship, while still becoming a better person. Can you imagine being so open with another person where all your foibles are exposed and yet feel safe and satisfied? This is not romantic love. It is lasting love.However, it is unrealistic for love to last unless it is reinforced by DAILY acts of loving behavior. It is not enough to think you are behaving in a loving way, you must ask your partner how (s)he perceives you and your behaviors. It is often helpful for couples to make separate lists of the specific ways that they would like the other person to show love. Then, they swap their lists. This gives the other a listing from which one can chose the caring behaviors that (s)he feels comfortable doing. In this way, one can be assured that his or her efforts will be perceived as loving. After an affair, one must continue to work at understanding oneself and one’s partner so that a better future can be constructed together. By “acting in the service of your life together,” you will develop the wisdom to act lovingly even when you don’t feel loving. This is much like the way we act with our children. We may feel particularly angry, annoyed, frustrated, disappointed, etc. with a child, but we somehow are able to continue feeling attached and committed. That’s my kid. I love him (or her) no matter what. Deep within, we know that more loving feelings are apt to return when we act in loving ways. To stay happily married, then, both partners must share the daily responsibility for feeling satisfied, loved, and meaningfully connected. AFFAIR REPAIR© is a psychoeducational program designed by Dr. Cynthia Frazier, Clinical Psychologist for couples, whether married/unmarried, heterosexual/homosexual, who are both motivated to reconcile after an affair and to reinvent their life together. The purpose of the program is to provide couples with a systematic way of approaching reconciliation by providing guidelines to prevent unnecessary turmoil, to reduce the pain associated with the trauma, and to expedite the arduous process. The program will accepting new couples in Spring, 2004. For more information, please contact Dr. Frazier directly.

ReferencesBrown, E. (1999). Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.Dyn, B. & Glenn, M. ( 1993, July/August). “Forecast for couples.” Psychology Today, 54-56, 78-86.Laumann, E., Gagnon, J, Michael, R., & Michaels, S. (1994). The Social Organization of Sexuality. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.Shellenbarger, S. (January 8, 2004). “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” The Wall Street Journal Online/ Work & Family.Spring, J. A. (1996). After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding the Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

10 Ways to Grow Your Marriage

mstindia — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 15:10:07 +0000

By Charlotte A. Michie, MS, MSW, LCSW

Relationships are like gardens; they can be thriving with lots of flowers, or overrun with weeds. Marriages, like gardens, need tending for them to prosper.
Ten ways to cultivate your intimate relationship are:

Be open to change. Change is something that can not be avoided. Learn to embrace it by focusing on “what is” rather than on “what should be”.
Learn to listen. Real listening is based on intention. If your intention is on getting your needs met, then you are not doing real listening but pseudo listening.
Be open to new ways of being together. Consider doing different activities as a couple as a way to add zest to your relationship.
Take care of yourself. The ability to love another person is based on how well you care for your self.
Be grateful, each day, for one thing about your companion. Accent the positive rather than the negative. Your relationship will thrive.
Be generous. Difficulties arise when the focus is exclusively on what is wrong in the relationship. Remember your spouse, like you, is doing their best.
Ask for support. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Let your spouse know how you want to be supported.
Risk being vulnerable. Be willing to let your spouse know how you feel rather than pretend or avoid your feelings.
Make time for each other. Scheduling time together, on a weekly basis, will alleviate stress in your marriage.
Learn to respond to each other rather than react. Reacting is an impulsive act. While it may provide immediate relief, it will often have long-term negative consequences.