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Smarter Marriage Moves

By George MarutOf all the promises you’ll make on your wedding day, the “for richer or for poorer” bit is likely to cause the most problems. According to a survey by the Association of Bridal Consultants, more than 67% of newlyweds believe the most serious conflict in their first year of marriage is over money. (Problems with in-laws rank a distant second.) Financial experts are full of anecdotes about young couples and financial discord. It’s often the details that drive people crazy. Small problems often grow into larger ones, because some people find it easier to talk about anything other than money. That, of course, is the worst-case scenario. But merging your finances does require a lot of work initially. And it takes a lot of maintenance to keep everything up to date and both spouses informed. But taking a few easy steps will save you a lot of headaches – and arguing – in the long run.

1. Cash Flow
Managing cash flow is an important lesson taught at all top business schools but one often learned the hard way when it comes to managing family finances. “Getting in over your head” is an expression that often times is used to describe poor case management. Everything you purchase from you home, car(s), and various items on credit carry a corresponding debt on your family’s financial balance sheet. The importance of proper cash flow will affect how well you can complete the next steps.2. Meet the Marriage Penalty
In testimony before the House Ways and Means Committee on February 4, 1998, June O’Neill, then Director of the Congressional Budget Office (CBO)said, “the incompatibility of progressive rates, equal treatment of married couples, and marriage neutrality results in a continuing tension within the tax code.”

Bush’s latest tax cut provided some much needed marriage-penalty relief. Now the 15% tax bracket is exactly twice as wide as the 15% tax bracket for singles. And the standard deduction is now double what it is for singles as well.

But assuming you and your new spouse earn more than $56,801 (in 2003) and you plan to file joint returns, you will still experience some tax punishment for tying the knot. So prepare to pay more come April 15.

One thing you shouldn’t do is run to your human-resources office to change your W-4. At least not if you and your spouse are both working. Once you indicate that you’re married, the rules assume that one spouse doesn’t work. As a result, your withholding will actually decline. And that’s just the opposite of what you want. If you’re both working and you don’t own a home, it should be ‘single, one’ all the way according to most CPAs.

3. Pay Down the Debt
It’s a common scenario: One person comes into a marriage with a lot of savings, another enters the relationship with credit card debt up to the ears. “Opposites attract. That’s what makes it exciting,” says Ruth L. Hayden, a financial educator and author of Richer for Poorer: The Money Book for Couples. But “when it comes to money, we wish we were married to a clone.” Even though the thrifty spouse is not liable for debt incurred before the marriage, the free spender’s history is sure to affect a couple’s chances of obtaining credit in the future. And if you’re in the market for a new home, you’ll probably be applying jointly. That should be motivation for you to pay down the debt together.

4. Examine Your Balance Sheet
Before you can make any decisions about budgeting, investing or saving for a house, you have to know how much you own and how much you owe. We tell our clients to put together a combined balance sheet, on which they list assets and debts, and update the list semiannually.

You should also check your overall portfolio and rebalance if necessary. You may discover that together, you’re overweighted in one particular stock or sector. You’ll also want to look ahead to retirement and figure out a way to maximize contributions and invest as aggressively or conservatively as you should given your age and goals.

5. Protect Your Incomes
What you do need is insurance, both life and disability, especially if you’re relying on both of your incomes. You might get insurance through your benefits plan at work that will cover 60% to 70% of your income, but It’s probably a good idea to supplement that. Brian Biederman, CFP from Raleigh advises clients about the taxability of Disability Insurance. A key point of Disability Insurance that most people miss is the tax implications. Regardless of who pays the premiums, (you or your employer) you get at most 70% of pre-disability income. If you (the employee) pay the premium the benefits are Tax-Free. So, the real question is whether you want 70% of your income, taxable or tax-free. It can be expensive, but It’s worth your attention. If your spouse can’t work, passes unexpectedly, can’t leave the house even and needs home health care and so on, you have to pay for that.

6. Paperwork, Paperwork, Paperwork
You thought planning the wedding took a lot of organizational skills? Wait until you try to track down everything that has your name on it – or that you named a beneficiary for – a mortgage, 401(k)s, IRAs, disability insurance and life insurance. If you have a will already, you’ll want to change it, if not you need to have one drawn up. These decisions are especially important for second marriages in which there are children involved.

7. Talk Money
Above all, It’s important to communicate regularly and openly about money. If that means setting aside a time each week or each month for a state-of-the-finances chat, then do it. (We suggest rewarding yourself with a dinner out or a movie after each financial-planning session.) But It’s essential to keep each other informed, especially if one person tends to deal with all the money maintenance, while the other handles different tasks.

Who knew you could get all this from a mortgage planner? If you would like more information please visit http://www.smartmortgagemoves.com/ today!

What Your Mother Never Told You

By Lisa and Bill Horst
(Owners of William Ashley Agency, a Raleigh traditional matchmaking service )

It seems that something becomes amiss somewhere between Cutting the Cake festivities and eating that last piece on your one-year anniversary. No one told you marriage was hard. Really hard. And that’s just the first year (pre-kids, multiple jobs, and a house purchase). Indeed, it seemed that finding your lifelong mate was the hard part; you’re home free after that! No more first dates, bad dates, or lonely nights with a bowl of ice cream.

The current popularity of chick flicks, reality TV dating shows, books, and courses on how to get married all attest to how hard this part, the part you got right, the part you hold right now, is. But that’s just the beginning. Oh, they tell you that. But no one really explains it. They say, “This is only the beginning,” in a way that seems like, “This is only the beginning of daily bliss until eternity.” Really, the day you get married is only the beginning of figuring how to keep two different people — no matter how well-suited — living and growing together for the next 50 years.

You pick up tips over the years from friends and family: Never go to bed angry. Hold hands when you fight to remind yourselves you’re always on the same side. Compromise. But these are tools (albeit good ones). They don’t get at some very basic truths: You Will Not Always Like — Let Alone Feel Loving Toward — Your Spouse. We all know couples who say they were born to be together. But more often than not, successful relationships are created by two willing and able individuals who have enough commonalities and chemistry to try to make a go of it. That means your spouse does not have 100 percent of the qualities on your mental checklist.

You’re married, so you’ve accepted this. But recognizing this means by default you do not like everything about him/her. And some days, that will mean that those less-than-endearing qualities will grate on your every last nerve more prominently than others. Some days, you will glance over at your spouse and think, “What am I doing with this person?” That’s okay. Because it’s not realistic to think that two wholly separate people — regardless of how well-matched they are — are going to be on the same page every day for the rest of their lives together. Hormones get out of whack. There are bad days at work. Daily life becomes cumbersome. Just be aware that the positive days outweigh the negative.

Marriage Is Not 50-50; It’s 110-0. Marriage is definitely a give-and-take. But compromise doesn’t necessarily mean that each person gives up something for the good of the whole. If you compromise in a 50-50 manner, neither spouse fully gets what he/she wants. No one is fully satisfied. Moreover, some days you are able to give more than you need to receive. Some days, you need to take. How you two complement each other indicates how the scales of giving and receiving will work. But it’s inevitable that there will be certain times when one spouse is doing a lot more giving than receiving. Just know that this give-and-take will fluctuate between the two of you: you might feel exhausted now, but you’ll get the support you need when you ask for it, too. Marriage Is Not An End Unto Itself or Yourself.

Particularly in the early years, it’s easy to become consumed by your passion and romance to the exclusion of much else. You stop doing things with girlfriends. You’d rather stay home and watch a movie than pick up a squash game with your buddies. You even start to look alike. But no one wants Death by Relationship. This suffocates both the relationship and your individual growth. Ensure you maintain all the reasons you were attracted to each other in the first place. Don’t neglect friends or family. Outside interests and relationships only help stimulate yours. As you mature together, find new common interests and explore individuals ones. For example, you both might want to take some classes at the local university, but it doesn’t have to be the same ones. Creating a strong sense of self, recognizing and building on what makes you, you, goes a long way toward maintaining a positive relationship.

Falling in Love, Staying in Love

middleagecouple.jpgBy: Lesli Doares

This time of year finds us between two “romantic” holidays, New Year’s Eve, when we want to be with that special someone at the magical stroke of midnight, and Valentine’s Day, when we celebrate all that being in love means. It is almost unthinkable that we should spend either of these days alone when the rest of the world seems to be running around in pairs. It is also the time of year when we examine our lives and resolve to make changes, one of which may be to find or rekindle the excitement and passion of new love.

Humans are a contrary species. We want both the safety, security and comfort of a committed relationship as well as the breathless, swept off one’s feet exhilaration of being newly in love. As in most things, we have come to expect that we cannot have it all. How often have we heard, or been told, that someone loves somebody but is no longer “in love” with them? How many of us really understand what that means? Do we believe there is a difference or is it just another way to leave a relationship? Is it possible to fall in love stay in love? Yes, but first you must understand the process.
When we fall in love the world looks and feels different. The sun shines brighter, colors are more vivid, food tastes better, everything is more intense cialis prodej. We can stay up all night and still have energy to burn. Our every waking moment is focused on that special someone and their very presence can make the most mundane chore seem like an amusement park ride. We don’t give a second thought to things that just a short time ago consumed us. Our lives feel out of control but we are enthralled by the wild ride and have no intention of getting off. It is like we have found the perfect drug and in a way we have.

Falling in love is like being high on drugs, but these drugs are naturally produced by the body. The brain releases two neurotransmitters, dopamine and norepinephrine, when you become attracted to someone and start to fall in love. These neurotransmitters are responsible for your bright outlook, your increased energy and your sharpened sense of perception. Another neurotransmitter, phenylethylamine (PEA), is released when you are with your love giving you a sense of comfort and security. When you are separated levels of PEA drop causing your mood to crash and you experience symptoms of withdrawal, commonly called love sickness.

This stage of love also has a strong psychological component. You see your new love as made for you and completely without flaws. This person knows and meets all your needs without your needing to ask, or even mention. He/she is the solution to all of your emotional problems and will heal all of your childhood wounds. His/her love will make you whole and happy. In the immortal words in Jerry McGuire, your new love will “complete you.”.

Unfortunately, this top-of-the-world euphoria will not last. Usually within six months reality sets in and by the time eighteen to thirty-six months go by you are no longer “in love”. Our bodies are not meant to function in that heightened state for any longer than that. The initial surge of attraction and euphoria is an evolutionary strategy designed to ensure survival of the species. The time allotted to being in love is long enough to act on the attraction, begin the process of procreation and develop a more committed relationship. This new relationship needs to be a deeper and more intimate one that is consciously created if it is to last..

Creating a lasting and fulfilling relationship with one person requires commitment, the ability to compromise and a certain level of tolerance for emotional anxiety. We cling to the notion of “being in love” because in that state we feel alive and connected to those around us. We feel that we will die if we are not deeply connected to someone else. However, when we look to others to “complete us” we lose our ability to stand on our own two feet. We cannot survive as a separate entity if we only feel whole in the presence of another. The ability to function as an independent entity is what allows us to be truly and deeply connected to another. We are not a couple out of fear of being alone but because we make a conscious choice to be together.

A successful, long term relationship requires work and effort. It is based on giving up the fantasy of finding our “one true soul mate” and being secure enough to let our partner know how important he/she is in our lives. It requires us to love and honor our partner and put their needs and desires on a par with or above our own. Unfortunately most people do not have the tools that will enable them to make a success of a relationship once the bloom is off the rose of love. Our natural tendency is to retreat into ourselves when we are faced with an uncomfortable or unfamiliar situation. It is at this point that we must focus outward if we are to have a successful and fulfilling intimate relationship..

The first step is to be able to see the world through your partner’s eyes. The longer you are with someone the more your acts of love need to reflect their wants and desires instead of your own. If your partner’s idea of fun is to raft down swirling rapids, surprising him with a slow cruise around the Caribbean may not elicit the desired response. If your partner is overworked and stressed out doing a load of laundry or cleaning up the kitchen may be appreciated more than candy and flowers.
Another element necessary to a lifelong relationship is excitement. Excitement releases PEA into your system, gets your heart racing and brings back that intense initial feeling to your relationship. This recharges the system and deepens the emotional bonds. Making time to step outside the usual routine and focusing on being a couple on a regular basis can recharge your relationship.

Relationships take daily effort. It is easy to fall into a routine and take your relationship for granted. It is necessary to nurture the relationship as if it were a separate personality. It has needs that need to be met if it is to thrive and endure. It needs your time and attention as much as any other aspect of your life. You need to be mindful of your relationship and pay attention to its patterns. A relationship requires mutual respect between you and your partner. We often treat complete strangers better than those close to us. Be aware of how you treat each other.

Make time for playfulness and surprise. These qualities will bring back memories of your initial love for each other. Don’t be afraid to show your sensitive, caring side. Writing a love letter to your partner is a way to let your partner know how much you love him/her. Being vulnerable is scary but the payoff may be more consideration and passion from your partner. Create occasions for celebration that have deep meaning for you and your partner. Use what you know about each other’s history to surprise and delight each other. This connecting to a time when you did not know each other can create amazingly deep bonds.

As the celebratory day of love approaches revel in the joy of new found love if you have it. Understand that the constant high it brings is fleeting. If you understand the progression of love you will be able to incorporate this intensity into a more profound and intimate love that really can complete you.

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